Sensitivity In Communication: From An Autistic Lens
Over the course of my life, I have received many bits of suggestions, criticisms (both constructive and insensitive), and praiseworthy remarks. Some of these critiques have been intended to help me improve my skills, while others have been intended to be opinionated because the person delivering the criticism was being egocentric. Each suggestion is open to my interpretation, so it is my prerogative to apply the feedback or not; however, the pattern of receiving criticism and applying it, in my opinion, can be improved with one communication aspect: sensitivity.
As an individual on the autism spectrum, combined with intense anxiety, I am wired in such a manner that each time I receive feedback, it sticks with me in my mind, particularly when the feedback is conveyed in a way that I interpret as harsh. I have been described in many ways, some of which were and are endearing, while others were and are belittling. In either case, I push forward and try to show my strength and skills despite what others may say or think, because even though I am autistic, I pride myself on my skills and likeability.
In recent years, I have come across a system of providing feedback to anyone, but as far as being sensitive to those whose personalities and rationales are of that type (e.g., neurodivergent individuals such as myself), it is particularly beneficial, called the RISE Model. RISE is an acronym for Reflect, Inquire, Suggest, and Elevate, and from my usage of RISE, it is so effective because it provides a useful framework by which to improve work, but not in a manner that feels demeaning or patronizing to intelligence. I strongly encourage others to look more thoroughly into the RISE Model, because with the way it is presented, a lot of people in education and in professional environments would be more motivated to do their best due to not feeling degraded by mean-spirited feedback.
Experiences With Feedback
Starting from my early years in school, the feedback I have received for my skills and autistic tendencies has ranged from kind to mean-spirited to cruel, depending on the person. I have been described cruelly as a "r@@@@@," which is the furthest descriptor from my truth; I am a very intelligent person, and the people who called me that malicious word were peers who were uninformed and callous as intermediate school students. On top of that, other cruel remarks included a peer in the same school telling me that she "couldn't be my friend anymore" because I "embarrassed her" with my tendencies. Granted, I understand that this person was younger and more childish, but at the time, hearing that sentiment stung because those tendencies were due to something she and my peers did not comprehend.
With that in mind, knowing what I know now about the RISE Model, I can comfortably reflect on those instances in which my peers were too immature and cruel to understand what being autistic entails for them to refer to me as a "r@@@@@" and for the other friend to shun me from being friends with her, then out of embarrassment. The "r word" is malicious either way, and I strongly encourage people not to say it in that context, child or adult, because for me, being described that way 20 years ago stuck with me for years, and still does to be candid. It bothers me because I know much better than they did to call me that; I am a smart and cognizant autistic male who has a lot to offer people, so I will live with that slur subconsciously for the rest of my life as I progress.
Other mean-spirited bits of feedback from my school years included slurs such as the "definition of gay" in the sixth-grade gym locker room as a result of the bad habit I had, due to my autism, of staring at my peers. The staring, which is perceived as inappropriate and uncomfortable by most, was a habit I had in moments of discomfort myself; plus, being autistic, I used to gaze in a specific direction when I was entranced in deep thought, which was misinterpreted as "creepy" staring. I did not possess the self-advocating skills then to clarify and modify the habit accordingly, so the mean-spirited bullying persisted due to a lack of comprehension by others.
Upon reflection on the sixth-grade locker room, I recognize that, autism notwithstanding, I was making my peers there uncomfortable with my gazing habit, but due to being younger and immature, their expression of their discomfort was mean due to their ages. I have matured past the gazing habit 20 years later, but I accept responsibility, even knowing of my autistic tendencies, for the miscommunication of my gazing habit, which made my peers creeped out.
I was also physically assaulted in the same school, in one instance, by a peer who was amusing himself by looking "cool" in front of our classmates, which he succeeded in doing because, upon delivering a right-hand punch to my stomach, my peers chuckled at it, and it was painful. This peer was stronger than me, so his punch was impactful and hurt. Granted, the teacher was not in the room, so he got away with the assault.
Had I known at the time to report being assaulted to the teacher, the peer who punched me would have had repercussions, so after reflecting, I could have inquired about it. However, my self-esteem and self-worth were so reduced then that I developed a victim mindset that reporting this assault would have done much, other than the school dismissing me and forgiving the student for the punch. I genuinely believed, deep down then, that I was at the mercy of everyone in my shoes, that I was expected to take each type of abuse, verbally and physically, and learn to be passive about it. Now, I know that is irrational, but back then, I took that notion literally, from an autistic perspective, and abided by it.
In the second junior high school I attended, the bullying I dealt with came from both peers and teachers; the latter of whom was uncouth because I should respect my elders, yet my elders at that school were both mean and cruel. An example of teacher meanness was when one teacher, who was not my official teacher, was a paraprofessional assigned to my classroom that day, told me to "shut up" due to misinterpreting my humor directed at something in the classroom as he helped an autistic classmate with her assignment.
Due to being autistic, my vocal skills, called my inflection in my speech delivery, did not allow me to change my voice when trying to convey humor, so this paraprofessional misread my remark as trying to be facetious and responded, unprofessionally, with "Shut up, Mike." My classmates in that school, who were not fond of me to begin with due to not understanding my autism, proceeded to laugh at the "Shut up, Mike" remark from the paraprofessional as if to "Put Mike in his place for being a wise guy." I was the laughingstock of my class that day, both in general and because of the paraprofessional's unprofessional and mean response to the miscommunication.
The paraprofessional could have addressed his irritation with my conduct there more effectively by inquiring with me about why I was sounding facetious to him and my other classmate and suggesting a more respectful approach to expressing myself appropriately, as opposed to telling me to "shut up" and humiliating me, being a teenager at the time with multiple mental health challenges. His approach with the "Shut up, Mike," was uncalled for and indicative of the lack of proper training in sensitivity toward students with disabilities and behavioral challenges. Nevertheless, I learned that day a hard lesson in how my insecurity-oriented conduct was being misinterpreted by the school, and that lesson was to be kinder, which I apply to this day.
Sensitivity Takeaway From Junior High
In these examples, from the "r word" to the assault to the "Shut up" comment, my peers and teachers could have been more understanding of how my behavior might have stemmed from a deep-rooted insecurity regarding being autistic as opposed to being "annoying," "embarrassing," or a "wise guy." As far as I know, the teachers were aware of my autism and still opted to be critical in disparaging ways due to a lack of understanding and not caring enough to educate themselves on improved communication methods. I learned from these examples to be a bit passive and kinder, which is both beneficial for my likability and detrimental for being confident, but I am improving on the latter to this day.
After that school, I moved on to high school, and it took three years, from freshman to junior year, to discover my self-worth and build confidence in my communication. Between ninth and eleventh grade, I was berated a bit more by certain peers and certain teachers out of a lack of understanding, despite being in Special Education. The saving grace to that insensitivity was my Special Education teacher, a good teacher who is now retired from teaching and works as the Special Education Director of a private, independent high school in Rhode Island called School One, Mark Williams.
Mark, or as I called him then, Mr. Williams, consoled me a lot because he was one of the only teachers I ever worked with as a student who fully comprehended what was truly challenging for me with my autism and anxiety, and he held me accountable for my growth while recognizing my really good character and potential. He was a great teacher because he taught me how to embrace myself and how, while others would not understand or care, he ensured I received a quality Special Education experience while in his classroom.
Mr. Williams was an awesome teacher in each intangible aspect of being a Special Educator because he elevated each aspect of my behavioral game; he provided me with a type of approach for behavioral modification that I had not seen until I worked with him. He made me a better student; he made me more self-assured, and due to my work with him, I learned a lot about how to carry myself with my autism and anxiety challenges after I graduated. I am eternally grateful to Mr. Mark Williams for "steeling" me, as he once put it, for my future educational prospects.
I had an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) that Mark oversaw and managed, and as a result, my social skills progressed; I developed resilience in navigating and dealing with others in school who were not kind, and I proceeded to graduate with a high school diploma.
Sensitivity Takeaway From High School
In high school, I was still in the learning process of discovering myself as an autistic person and managing those challenges, so the mistreatment then mostly came from uneducated peers who did not understand and were mean in select moments. It improved from junior high, but still, a lot of peers and some teachers were unkind due to miscommunication. Those peers and teachers could have inquired more effectively with me, who knew of my autism, as to why a certain habit was showing and how to manage it better for the comfort of others in the school community.
I then transitioned to two different colleges, earning an Associate's Degree from the first and a Bachelor's Degree from the second. During college, I worked with a myriad of professors who both recognized my potential and whose feedback ranged from insensitive (admittedly, some of the insensitive feedback was self-imposed, and I learned) to constructive. One professor, who was tougher when he and I first met, noted my progress the next semester when I was his student for a second time, which was refreshing to hear.
Sensitivity Takeaway From College
The one college professor who was tougher on me with feedback respected me as an intelligent man on the autism spectrum, so, upon reflection, he could have inquired better about why a habit was showing as opposed to what he did, which was to be automatically harsh intentionally to get me to recognize what irritated him and modify accordingly. He did remark on my progress when he noticed it from me, after I shared it with him, so it was an instance of personalities and miscommunication about needs and preferences.
Call To Action
I suggest that others be mindful of their phrasing when giving feedback, in general, if only to not be hurtful or insensitive to others. For the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you wish to be treated. The RISE Model is a good beginning for that notion, and from my life experience of receiving mean feedback, I am proud of my progress and hope to inspire others to mimic my courage through the process of rebuilding self-esteem through trial and error.
I have a Guide to present, in four steps, on how to improve communication skills to work with neurodivergent students and workers:
Respect: Remember to recognize the Golden Rule and not make neurodivergent people feel inferior when miscommunications arise; this is integral to avoiding triggering neurodivergent tendencies that could result in worse outcomes.
Commend: Provide praise to neurodivergent people for their progress and achievements, since autistic people live with their challenges permanently and daily; this skill in communication is ideal in boosting self-esteem for them.
Recognize: Keep in mind what an autistic person gets triggered by in communication and modify habits that could result in an undesired reaction due to autistic tendencies. This is especially important in workplaces, since autistic people are not supposed to be disruptive to others in jobs.
Appreciate: Show appreciation for the neurodivergent community. For autistic people's successes and for their steps in the right direction. This step has been disregarded for the ASD population for decades, and as a sensitive person, I would greatly enjoy seeing this step become more commonplace.
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